How I Found Enlightenment In The Darkest Place I Ever Chose For Myself to Be

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By Lily Rothrock
Marketing Consultant & Copywriter

Sometimes, you get into terrible situations, even if your mom warns you

For several years in my early twenties, back when I thought I knew everything, I went through a phase that I now consider as one of the darkest times of my life. Of course, when I was living through it, I thought it was a powerful time of growth and learning. I didn’t see the problematic situation I created for myself, well, because I was right in the middle of it.

Let me tell you how I got into that situation. You see, there were certainly red flags, but they were the type of red flags that I didn’t have sensors for yet. I didn’t know everything, and if I had realized that, it might have helped me. Then again, playing the game of “what if” isn’t really helpful here, because at some point, you just have to have your own experiences and try to learn from them (sorry mom, I know you tried to warn me). You’re always going to have new things to learn, and you might as well try to enjoy the process.

I simply didn't know any better (but it’s okay—I know now)

The “situation” was my first real job. And, it took me several years after I stopped working there to be able to talk about my experiences. I worked for one woman who ran an organization. When I started, she told me about the seventeen assistants before me in a ten year time span, most of which were terrible. Of course, instead of seeing the red flags, I saw an opportunity to help her break her pattern of terrible assistants. I was so determined (and naive), I ended up working for her for over five years, much longer than anyone had stayed before me.

To give you a picture of how terrible the situation really was, I’d have to go into detail about how she treated the people around her. Of course, I didn’t realize how toxic the environment was at the time. I became immune to her insults, tacked on to most emails we exchanged. I was so determined not to be another one of her terrible assistants that I didn’t mind being yelled at, or having my sanity questioned, if I didn’t do something the way she wanted.

At the time, I didn’t know the meaning of gaslighting, or even the tell-tale signs of a narcissist. I didn’t know that gaslighting is a common strategy used by narcissists to diminish the willpower and confidence of those around them. Or, that narcissists are rarely fully aware of what they are doing. And, I didn’t even realize that she was the only one in my life treating me like an imbecile. I simply didn’t know any better.

Even if the situation is terrible, you can learn a lot of interesting things

For the most part, it was just her and I who worked together, running the organization. I wore almost every hat from web and graphic designer to social media manager and office administrator. I handled the email inbox and organized the internal documents and sent out the newsletters. I even built the website, and created a membership program and recurring income model. This was the beginning of my career in many ways. Of course, back then, I wasn’t experienced in everything I was doing, but I was able to get the job done. 

What I didn’t realize until much later was how anti-marketing the whole environment was. The woman I worked for seemed to be very interested in all the outcomes that an effective marketing strategy would create, but also seemed completely uninterested in actually going through any kind of process that would create marketing outcomes. No matter how hard I tried to do everything, my efforts had no strategy behind them, and therefore, were basically futile in actually creating any measurable improvements. 

Plus, with anything I did, it always was supposed to be finished two years ago, which again, was a red flag, but I didn’t even notice after a while. I had nothing else to compare my experience to, after all.

Sometimes you meet the best people in the worst places

Over the course of me working for her, there was another person who also became involved in the marketing efforts. This was quite incredible luck, because like me, he also didn’t yet realize how any marketing efforts would be thwarted. But, because we were both trying together, we were able to meet and start working together.

That was how, in one of the darkest times of my life, I found a most unexpected marketing teacher. His name is Stefan, and we still work together, to this day. Back then, as we would edit his marketing copy together, the perspectives he shared disrupted what was going on inside of me. I started to see that the way I had been trying to go about marketing with the organization was not nearly as functional as I hoped it would be. It took me years to fully grasp what he was trying to teach me. I was his first marketing student, so he had to come up with ways to show me what he meant, and our calls seemed to always leave with feeling like I knew more about how much I needed to learn. He helped me see the ways in which I was basically failing at marketing, and self-sabotaging my own efforts.

I had never realized what marketing could actually do for people

As Stefan and I worked together, I would read copy he’d written, and my brain would start firing and making all kinds of connections. I had never read text quite like what he wrote, especially about the topics he was writing about. While reading, I would imagine different people I knew, and how they would respond very positively to what he had written, and be able to see themselves in the words. Needless to say, when I read my own copy about the same topics, my brain didn’t react the same way. I knew I had to learn how to create connection like his writing could.

Stefan’s writing was able to explain aspects of the work the organization offered that I was never quite able to figure out the right words to explain in a way that wouldn’t be triggering, offensive, or completely over their heads for certain people. In particular, Stefan was able to write about the more sensitive topics that would inevitably come up with the subject matter we were presenting (that organization was in the field of trauma healing), and yet, do so in a very gentle, non-confrontative way. Even today, when I read Stefan’s copy, it feels more like someone is sitting by my side, holding my hand to comfort me, yet peppering me with the necessary information I need to hear, which I had never been open to hearing before. That’s the power of really well written copy—it feels like it’s quenching your thirst, but you hadn’t even realized you were thirsty yet.

 It felt like Stefan was able to know what someone was wondering in their mind when a particular subject was brought up, like he was having an actual conversation with them through the text. He could directly respond to a specific mindset or problem that the reader could be experiencing, or might know someone else who is experiencing. He could address objections that pop up in their minds about a particular topic, even objections aren’t their own, but objections of their peers, co-workers, family, or even society. I always got a nice feeling when I read his copy, and I would think about who I’d want to send it to, because I’d be thinking about how it could help someone understand their own situation or life a little better.

Learning about marketing has helped me shift my perspective on how I relate to my own life, and take me to the next step in my journey

That was seven years ago, and today I’m still working closely with Stefan. Learning about marketing helped me see how bad of a situation I was really in, and how valuable I could be to businesses that weren’t anti-marketing. That’s when I started my own business and started working for myself. I still meet regularly with Stefan via Zoom to work on all kinds of copy and marketing-related projects. His full name is Dr. Stefan Liekam, and he lives in the Austrian Alps (which is why we always meet on Zoom, since I live in Northern California).

What I’ve learned working with Stefan is how important it is to write copy that explains things that are hard to explain. I realized that when writing, I’m not trying to push into any particular direction. I am not trying to guilt anyone into making a purchase, and certainly not add pressure. I want my writing to feel like I’m speaking to a new friend, or getting to know someone in a strangely personal, yet comfortable level. I want people to gain insight into themselves and the world as they read whatever perspective I’m writing, so by the time they are done reading, they have learned something or even feel entertained, even if they eventually find out that the offer at the end isn’t applicable to them. I want them to be able to have a specific idea of a person in mind who it would be applicable to, and be able to understand that person’s problems a bit better, even if it’s not them themselves. 

Stefan forced me to get myself to write websites in a way I would never have thought do, and yet, once the copy is written, it makes perfect sense. Seeing him blend different styles of marketing, especially when it comes to mixing personal storytelling and factual information made me open up to a whole new realm of possibilities. One way I’ve learned to offer a whole picture is to incorporate many different perspectives in the same piece of copy, including my own perspective, as well as different academic, or or commonly held beliefs, in order to avoid pushing one ideology or way of thinking, so the reader can choose for themselves. And, of course, somehow this makes his view point even more appealing, transparent, and even provocative.

There is no one right way to do marketing. But, there is a wrong way—copying what everyone else is doing.

The way that Stefan has approached teaching me marketing is actually rather subtle, and for a long time, I didn’t even realize I was getting an education. I just thought we were working on specific projects. And yet, all these years later, I can see that the way Stefan would explain something to me, not just from his perspectives, but having me look at many different examples, asking me what I thought about them. He wouldn’t give me his opinion right away, so he set me up to learn how to do marketing in my own voice, and not become a copy of him. In a way, he was able to teach me to write things that he couldn’t write, just like the things he writes, I would not be able to write. 

Of course, I also sought out a lot of different materials and sources for learning about marketing, from books to online courses. Yet, having that additional education from Stefan allowed me to perceive all of my other sources in a different way. I learned to not just try to copy other ways of doing marketing, but to learn how marketing works and then do things in my own way.

There’s a simple trick to becoming an expert—keep learning and seeking out teachers who know more than you do, so you don’t even have time to think about calling yourself an expert

For me, marketing consulting is not me telling you the right way, but teaching you to experiment and find what works best for you. I want to teach my clients how to do things in their own way. I’m not interested in everyone having the same flavor when it comes to how their copy reads. Of course, when somebody works with me, my experience will reflect in their copy. I want my clients to look at their copy and say, “That’s what I wanted to say!” or “That’s what I meant!”. Then, I know we found the right words to convey their message. 

In a way, I consider my clients my teachers, as they teach me about their world, while I teach them about how to translate their world for the people they want to talk to.

I still work with Stefan closely on our different projects, adding different perspectives to recognize ever more parts of the picture together. It’s what we do for fun. 

Chances are, if you’ve read this far, you’re somewhat intrigued by what I do, or at least you don’t hate me. So, if you want to find out what it feels like to work with me, and learn together what marketing can do for you, you can schedule a call with me. It might even bring you out of the darkest time in your life, like it did for me. But of course, I can only tell you my story. I can’t live yours for you, but I can help you write it, if you tell it to me.